9/11

I never thought this day could be worse that it was 7 years ago. My husband and I have gone over what to do "just in case". "Just in case" it happens again. "Just in case" it happens on our door step. We've gone over what to do, how to handle the children and ourselves. We've made sure that we've made plans to tend to our family "just in case".

What happens now? What if it does happen again? Or what if it's worse? What if ...

Our children are out of our care. We don't know what would happen to them "if". We don't know how they would be taken care of. We don't even know if they would be thought about.

I tense at every breaking news story that I see. I cringe at every teaser for our local news station that starts with "child injured" and ends with "details at 11" with nothing in between. I hope and pray every time that it's not one of our babies. That our babies are safe. But we can't know. We can't take care of them. We can't make sure that they're safe.

We were accused of neglect. We never neglected our children. We have stood up, silenced by all parties, and had to take it when they dissected our lives bit by bit. We have taken it. When is CPS going to face that charge? When are they going to have to stand up, not be able to say a word in their defense and be accused of all that they have actually done... torn apart a wonderful, strong family, abused our children (not to mention, us) by tearing them from their loving home and their adoring parents, attempted to destroy four innocent lives because of one bad day? When do they have to take it?

I want the hurt to stop. I want the waiting to be over. I want my children home where I know they are safe, fed, warm, comfortable, loved. I want them home and CPS gone.

I never thought that I would have to go to sleep not knowing what my little babies had for breakfast, what they wore for the day or how their days went.

I feel so empty with them gone.

It's been a long time. Nothing much has changed here. Our children are still gone, with no reunification in sight.

For a while all of this actually started getting easier. The once a week for an hour visits, the near constant services, going to be every night without any little, loving night-night kisses. I started seeing a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. I don't know what changed and took it back to being hard as hell. Maybe it was the fact that the relative that our children are staying with stopped communicating with us. So now we don't know what's going on with them. We don't know how they are or what they're up to (big change after knowing everything about them). We don't know when they're ill or injured. We don't know anything. They might as well be with strangers for all we know about them right now. At this point, after hearing and learning some things, I don't even trust that they're safe anymore. But what do I do? As far as CPS is concerned, our relatives are wonderful people. So they passed the background check. So what?

Maybe it's gotten tougher because so much time has passed with no clear end in sight and every time we head into court, there's another obstacle placed in our way.

Maybe it's gotten tougher because every day that passes is one more day I've missed with my babies.

The house is so quiet now. It shouldn't be. It's so tidy now. It shouldn't be. Stuffed toys that were never put down now have gathered so much dust that you can't even tell what color they were meant to be.

This stinks.

I've been gone for a while. From here, anyway. I've gotten sunk under everything that's been going on. I've been reading about CPS, the way they operate and all. I've mostly been reading books from what claim to be objective sources. I've also been watching people's video accounts of and thoughts of their own dealings with CPS or what they've observed.

Here's the thing... very few accounts seem objective. Either you are under scrutiny from CPS or are afraid of being put under the spotlight or you are one of those who have been lucky enough to escape the prying eyes and don't believe that they can come into your home and remove your children without batting an eyelash. Bottom line... those who think they could never be adversely effected by CPS and those of us who know better.

I've read about those who believe that CPS should be abolished entirely. I can understand their point of view. I can understand their POV, as a matter of fact, a whole lot easier than I can understand those who believe that there is nothing wrong with CPS and that the entity doesn't need to be adjusted at all.

I guess with me it's this way... I can see a need for a group who will watch out for those children who have no one to do it for them. I can see a need for people who will think about the children that no one else thinks about. I believe that CPS has place in this world, unfortunately.

However, CPS as it is must be changed.

What is the wisdom behind taking the children of someone who has never been involved with CPS, never been accused of neglecting, injuring or otherwise maltreating their children in any way, shape of form just because some third party who spent a minimal amount of time with the family and decided that they are "concerned"? This I do not understand.

Something more I don't understand is how a state agency can leave a child in a situation where neither caregiver is a parent or family member, but with whom their drug addicted mother decided to leave the child. I don't understand how CPS can miss bruises, cuts and abuses that, upon the child's death, were alarmingly apparent.

The night CPS got involved with my family, a CPS investigator stood over my children and myself and I was told that the investigator wanted to "see" the children so she could check for injuries. My children were stripped down to their diapers. No bruises, no cuts. Nothing. Not even your normal "the baby is two and very active" bumps and bruises. Nothing.

Why 3 year old Kyle Smith is dead is beyond my comprehension. CPS was involved with him and his caregivers. How could they have ignored what must have been obvious signs of abuse? How could they have left that poor baby with people who were not being put through the rigorous training that my family member is being put through in order to tend to our children for what is going to be a short time (prayerfully!)?

Yes, I saw that part of the story where the neighbors saw what was going and said nothing. They do hold some blame as those who did nothing. However... CPS is supposedly TRAINED to see abuse and neglect and just ignored it completely! I do not understand.

For people like this and children like Kyle, I do believe that some form of CPS must exist. However, with the numbers of people who are falsely accused of abuse and the numbers of people who while they may need intervention in some form without having their children taken away so high CPS as it is may be doing more harm than good. And the number of children who die or are continually abused under CPS supervision...well, even one is far too many.

CPS as it is needs massive reform and not from the people who have been "reforming" it. There needs to be an agreement between "us" and "them". Those of us who have seen the bad side of CPS need to have a say in how it is reformed. Perhaps, this way, there won't be so many of us.

/soap box

Divorce court ala CPS?

We go into court this week. I still haven't figured out the process as far as court is concerned, so I'm not exactly sure what this hearing is for. I know the babies won't be there, and we won't be getting them back then (though, one can always holds tight to that far-fetched hope).

My husband has spoken to his lawyer to see if it will be possible for the children to come home if he leaves the home.

Let that sink in for a minute.

Neither my husband nor I hurt our children or ourselves. We never neglected them, we never mistreated them. We have no charges against us for ANYTHING. Yet, our marriage may be put on hold so that our children can sleep in their own beds.

Lovely.

I've learned of other innocent families that have been not only torn apart by CPS, but have been further torn asunder in an effort to have their kids home and safe and sound.

What happened to "reunification of the family"? Should they amend it to "reunification of most of the family" or maybe, "reunification of what CPS deems important members of the family"?

The more I learn about CPS, the way they work and the "good" they do... the more frightened I am about the future of my family.

It bothers me that we're even considering this route. My husband and I knew soon after we met that we wanted children. We knew even then that we wanted our children raised in a two parent home. Not a blended family home, not a single parent home, but a two parent home. We wanted them (and still want them) raised by us together. We know that both of us bring something to the "table" that is vital in the raising of healthy, happy children.

The fact that a stressful moment in the middle of an incredibly stressful few months could bring us to the point of considering separating for the sake of our children is unbelievable to me.

We are good parents.

My husand is a wonderful father.

When is that taken into account?

But, what would June think?

My husband and I are what people these days might call "old-fashioned". By the end of our first date, we had already discussed our own family values and found that we of the same mind. We have definite ideas on what is a man's place and what is a woman's. In our ideal world, mom is home tending the children. In our idea world, there is no need for daycare.

In our ideal world, I was June Cleaver. Tending the home, tending the children... you get the general idea.

Until CPS came into our lives, we were living our family values. No day care for our babies.

The family member tending to our children doesn't share our family values when it comes to a man's place and a woman's place. Or maybe she does and her situation just doesn't have room for her to live it out. (Which is entirely understandable. I know that we have been blessed to have been able to live out these values.) Either way, our babies started daycare a couple of weeks ago. The babies are enjoying themselves, for the most part.

The first thing I saw today when we got a chance to see the babies, though, was my older little one's first black eye. It wasn't blackened yet, it was red, seriously swollen and had a small cut right in the center of it. I imagine that it will be blackened by the end of the weekend.

Apparently there was some disagreement over a toy and this was the end result.

Keep in mind that he is in a group that is all her age (under 3).

If something like this had happened at home, I would have been able to hold him, comfort him, tend to his boo-boos, kiss it make it all better. Today? I have no idea what was done to comfort him, if anything. I have no idea how his wound was cleaned or treated, if it was at all.

My little one had a boo-boo and I could not make it better.

June would repossess my apron.

We get to see the babies today. We get an hour a week. Supervised. It used to be that we could never find a babysitter that we trusted, so we never went anywhere without them (not complaining, just starting a fact). Now, we're not even allowed to be alone with them. This is apparently "normal" when it comes to CPS involvement.

All my life I've been bucking against normalcy. Now I know why.

The days between visitation drag by like cold molasses. Once today comes around, it's like it's been no time at all. I don't understand it.

The babies are very young. They seem to be ok with all this. I know that's a blessing. I hope that the fact that they seem to be adapting well means that this isn't the horrible experience for them that it is for us. In a way, though, it hurts like hell that they seem to be adapting so well. I would never wish that the would hurt at all, but it breaks my heart to see them leave the visits so easily and without a tear.

Wow, that made me sound like a real bitch, didn't it? I'm not. At least I didn't think I was before all this. Now I don't know. Before all this I was a good mom. Now, I don't know. Before all this, I thought life was going fairly decently. Yes, we have had some serious bumps along the way, but I thought with everything that I was still a good mom. And that is what mattered the most to me. What mattered most to me, I thought, was that our babies were well taken care of. I thought I was a good mom.

Now the babies are gone and I don't think I'm much of anything anymore. I mean, if nothing else, I was a good mom. What am I now?

I'm glad that the babies seem to be adapting well, really. I want all this to be as easy as possible for them, even though it's got to be tough. They're so young that (according to a couple of therapists that we've spoken to) if they do remember any of this, it will be as a little vacation. I have a feeling that someday, when they're much older, I want them to know what happened. I don't want them kept in the dark about this because what if they find out on their own? What if someone in the family mentions it to them someday? Wouldn't it be better if they knew about it from us?

And when it is time for them to come home, what then? They seem to be doing so well right now, how will it be when they come home? The transition from here to there was traumatic. I didn't get a chance to say good-bye to them. I was getting their things together and when I had to run back in their room for something, they were taken out of the house. By the time they got to the van, they were both crying their heads off.

How will the transition back home be? How do we make them comfortable here again? Will they resent us for the time they were gone? For the fact that they were gone? Will they want to go back to the family member they're with now? How do we make things easy for them?

They seem to be so comfortable coming and going with the family member and I don't want them to go through any more hard times. How do I make them comfortable here again? Will it be tough for them? Will it depend on how long they're gone?

I'm sorry. I meant this entry to be more informative than inquisitive. I guess I failed at that, too.

I need to go prepare myself for this afternoon. Not just get dressed and all, but when we see them I try not to cry. I don't want them to think about these times and remember me crying. It's so hard to hold them and not cry. Once they're gone again, though, I can let go.

I don't know what's worse.

Holding it in or letting it go.

My heart hurts.

Where's the fire?

I remember when I was a kid in school, watching those old garbled, constantly skipping filmstrips. You know the ones. Stop, drop and roll. Don't take candy from strangers. Look both ways before crossing the street.

I remember hearing the shrill bell that told us to walk, slowly, calmly and quietly, to the nearest exit. Always taking great care to listen to the teacher and stay in our group. Making sure to assemble, remember now, calmly and quietly, in our assigned places.

When our first child was born, I started looking at this house closer. Thinking about what exits to use in case of fire. Making careful note of how far away we would need to be to be sure we were safe.

I asked questions and did research. I put together a medicine cabinet for "just in case". Teething, fevers, constipation, gas. A cute ice pack for bumps, colorful band-aids for boo-boos. You name it, if it's a normal children's condition, we have a med or method to take care of it.

I wasn't being paranoid. I was being prepared.

All through life, we prepare... but not for this.

Why would anyone think to prepare for this?

After our experiences, I would venture a guess and say that people want CPS knocking at their door about as much as they want the Grim Reaper standing on their welcome mat. Yet, every day people write out wills, share their final wishes with their loved ones, and decide whether Aunt Myrtle or Cousin Jethro get the lovely, 2'x3', velvet painting of Elvis.

And no one prepares for this.

I know I didn't.

We prepare for the births of our children. We prepare for their first steps, for their first bumps, for their first words. We know what to do when they fall. We know what to do when they cry. We never think to prepare ourselves with the knowledge of what to do if CPS shows up at our door.

Over the last few days I've been doing research. I'm trying to find out what happens next. Yes, I could speak to a lawyer. I could ask on a message board. I could call my caseworker and ask them (not that I can ever get them on the phone). The problem with asking is that when you ask a question about something like this, you have people turn around and ask you something right back. Sorry, there's only so much I want anyone to know.

In looking at other people's experiences with CPS, I wish I had prepared for this. There are things that I would have known to do the first time they darkened my door. Right now, I'm just trying not to make anymore mistakes in dealing with CPS.

We practice fire drills. We teach our children not to talk to strangers and always to hold our hands when crossing the street. In this day and age we even teach school children the routine for when a malicious person enters their school. We prepare for the bad things that may happen.

Why do we not prepare ourselves for CPS? My husband and I are good parents. We have always taken wonderful care of our children, even when he and I have been going through struggles. Yet, here we are and they are gone. We should have been prepared.

All it takes is one allegation to tear apart your family. One action or word taken completely out of context by a stranger. One stranger who thinks you hugged your child a little too long or kissed your baby's cheek in an indecent manner. One active child who bumped their head, their knee, their elbow. Or it could even be nothing. It could be a neighbor who doesn't like the way you park your car. A family member who finally found a way to punish you for deciding not to show up to little Andy's 4th birthday.

Anyone at anytime can call them. Depending on the severity of what they are told (and, honestly, the mood of the person answering the phone) you may never know anyone called about you... or your family may be torn to shreds.

It may never happen. I pray everyday that what is happening to us doesn't happen to another family. That no one else's much loved, well cared for babies have to sleep in strange beds tonight. Unfortunately, it will happen. It's probably happening right now. We know we are good parents. We never thought anything like this would happen to our family. And I know that if anyone ever reads this, and they are not already in the situation that my family is in, those people are probably thinking that it will never happen to them. You who have never dealt with this side of CPS are probably feeling pretty safe that you won't ever have to. I pray that you are right. I pray that are always able to hold your babies in your arms without hinderance.

But what could be the harm in being prepared?

You prepare for fire.

This is far more destructive than a fire.

Be prepared.

It begins.

I doubt anyone will read this. I don't even think it will be around very long. Right now, I don't really have anywhere to talk about everything that's going on. My husband is here and is trying, but he's dealing with his own thoughts and feelings. Everytime I try to talk with him he apologizes. I don't want to make him feel bad when I need to get my thoughts and feelings out, so here I am.

We have two beautiful babies. They're not here right now. I don't know when they'll be back. They are with someone that we know (thank God), but it's nothing like it was. I miss so badly that it hurts. How do I tell my husband that? He who feels that they are gone because of him? How do I cry on his shoulder without making him feel like garbage?

I guess this little corner of blogland is for me to miss my babies out loud (so to speak). I won't go much into why they're gone. It was avoidable, but it had nothing to do with them. They were not injured, not even in the room, but The Powers That Be thought it would be best if they were gone from us for a little while (hopefully it will only be a little while). We see them as often as we are allowed and we're doing everything that TPTB have said that they want us to do (which I will probably refer to as the hoops they want us to jump through, no flippancy intended).

I understand that if at any time anyone actually reads this blog, I may be in for some less than kind comments. I am prepared. Believe me, though, future possible readers, no one can be as hard on me as I am because of all of this.

I guess that's about it for this entry. It seems like we've got running to do everyday anymore. And to think, I used to complain about not getting out of the house enough! Now, all I want is to curl up with my babies, everyone in pjs and a Disney movie on tv and forget the world exists.

Until later.