Where's the fire?

I remember when I was a kid in school, watching those old garbled, constantly skipping filmstrips. You know the ones. Stop, drop and roll. Don't take candy from strangers. Look both ways before crossing the street.

I remember hearing the shrill bell that told us to walk, slowly, calmly and quietly, to the nearest exit. Always taking great care to listen to the teacher and stay in our group. Making sure to assemble, remember now, calmly and quietly, in our assigned places.

When our first child was born, I started looking at this house closer. Thinking about what exits to use in case of fire. Making careful note of how far away we would need to be to be sure we were safe.

I asked questions and did research. I put together a medicine cabinet for "just in case". Teething, fevers, constipation, gas. A cute ice pack for bumps, colorful band-aids for boo-boos. You name it, if it's a normal children's condition, we have a med or method to take care of it.

I wasn't being paranoid. I was being prepared.

All through life, we prepare... but not for this.

Why would anyone think to prepare for this?

After our experiences, I would venture a guess and say that people want CPS knocking at their door about as much as they want the Grim Reaper standing on their welcome mat. Yet, every day people write out wills, share their final wishes with their loved ones, and decide whether Aunt Myrtle or Cousin Jethro get the lovely, 2'x3', velvet painting of Elvis.

And no one prepares for this.

I know I didn't.

We prepare for the births of our children. We prepare for their first steps, for their first bumps, for their first words. We know what to do when they fall. We know what to do when they cry. We never think to prepare ourselves with the knowledge of what to do if CPS shows up at our door.

Over the last few days I've been doing research. I'm trying to find out what happens next. Yes, I could speak to a lawyer. I could ask on a message board. I could call my caseworker and ask them (not that I can ever get them on the phone). The problem with asking is that when you ask a question about something like this, you have people turn around and ask you something right back. Sorry, there's only so much I want anyone to know.

In looking at other people's experiences with CPS, I wish I had prepared for this. There are things that I would have known to do the first time they darkened my door. Right now, I'm just trying not to make anymore mistakes in dealing with CPS.

We practice fire drills. We teach our children not to talk to strangers and always to hold our hands when crossing the street. In this day and age we even teach school children the routine for when a malicious person enters their school. We prepare for the bad things that may happen.

Why do we not prepare ourselves for CPS? My husband and I are good parents. We have always taken wonderful care of our children, even when he and I have been going through struggles. Yet, here we are and they are gone. We should have been prepared.

All it takes is one allegation to tear apart your family. One action or word taken completely out of context by a stranger. One stranger who thinks you hugged your child a little too long or kissed your baby's cheek in an indecent manner. One active child who bumped their head, their knee, their elbow. Or it could even be nothing. It could be a neighbor who doesn't like the way you park your car. A family member who finally found a way to punish you for deciding not to show up to little Andy's 4th birthday.

Anyone at anytime can call them. Depending on the severity of what they are told (and, honestly, the mood of the person answering the phone) you may never know anyone called about you... or your family may be torn to shreds.

It may never happen. I pray everyday that what is happening to us doesn't happen to another family. That no one else's much loved, well cared for babies have to sleep in strange beds tonight. Unfortunately, it will happen. It's probably happening right now. We know we are good parents. We never thought anything like this would happen to our family. And I know that if anyone ever reads this, and they are not already in the situation that my family is in, those people are probably thinking that it will never happen to them. You who have never dealt with this side of CPS are probably feeling pretty safe that you won't ever have to. I pray that you are right. I pray that are always able to hold your babies in your arms without hinderance.

But what could be the harm in being prepared?

You prepare for fire.

This is far more destructive than a fire.

Be prepared.

It begins.

I doubt anyone will read this. I don't even think it will be around very long. Right now, I don't really have anywhere to talk about everything that's going on. My husband is here and is trying, but he's dealing with his own thoughts and feelings. Everytime I try to talk with him he apologizes. I don't want to make him feel bad when I need to get my thoughts and feelings out, so here I am.

We have two beautiful babies. They're not here right now. I don't know when they'll be back. They are with someone that we know (thank God), but it's nothing like it was. I miss so badly that it hurts. How do I tell my husband that? He who feels that they are gone because of him? How do I cry on his shoulder without making him feel like garbage?

I guess this little corner of blogland is for me to miss my babies out loud (so to speak). I won't go much into why they're gone. It was avoidable, but it had nothing to do with them. They were not injured, not even in the room, but The Powers That Be thought it would be best if they were gone from us for a little while (hopefully it will only be a little while). We see them as often as we are allowed and we're doing everything that TPTB have said that they want us to do (which I will probably refer to as the hoops they want us to jump through, no flippancy intended).

I understand that if at any time anyone actually reads this blog, I may be in for some less than kind comments. I am prepared. Believe me, though, future possible readers, no one can be as hard on me as I am because of all of this.

I guess that's about it for this entry. It seems like we've got running to do everyday anymore. And to think, I used to complain about not getting out of the house enough! Now, all I want is to curl up with my babies, everyone in pjs and a Disney movie on tv and forget the world exists.

Until later.