Divorce court ala CPS?

We go into court this week. I still haven't figured out the process as far as court is concerned, so I'm not exactly sure what this hearing is for. I know the babies won't be there, and we won't be getting them back then (though, one can always holds tight to that far-fetched hope).

My husband has spoken to his lawyer to see if it will be possible for the children to come home if he leaves the home.

Let that sink in for a minute.

Neither my husband nor I hurt our children or ourselves. We never neglected them, we never mistreated them. We have no charges against us for ANYTHING. Yet, our marriage may be put on hold so that our children can sleep in their own beds.

Lovely.

I've learned of other innocent families that have been not only torn apart by CPS, but have been further torn asunder in an effort to have their kids home and safe and sound.

What happened to "reunification of the family"? Should they amend it to "reunification of most of the family" or maybe, "reunification of what CPS deems important members of the family"?

The more I learn about CPS, the way they work and the "good" they do... the more frightened I am about the future of my family.

It bothers me that we're even considering this route. My husband and I knew soon after we met that we wanted children. We knew even then that we wanted our children raised in a two parent home. Not a blended family home, not a single parent home, but a two parent home. We wanted them (and still want them) raised by us together. We know that both of us bring something to the "table" that is vital in the raising of healthy, happy children.

The fact that a stressful moment in the middle of an incredibly stressful few months could bring us to the point of considering separating for the sake of our children is unbelievable to me.

We are good parents.

My husand is a wonderful father.

When is that taken into account?

But, what would June think?

My husband and I are what people these days might call "old-fashioned". By the end of our first date, we had already discussed our own family values and found that we of the same mind. We have definite ideas on what is a man's place and what is a woman's. In our ideal world, mom is home tending the children. In our idea world, there is no need for daycare.

In our ideal world, I was June Cleaver. Tending the home, tending the children... you get the general idea.

Until CPS came into our lives, we were living our family values. No day care for our babies.

The family member tending to our children doesn't share our family values when it comes to a man's place and a woman's place. Or maybe she does and her situation just doesn't have room for her to live it out. (Which is entirely understandable. I know that we have been blessed to have been able to live out these values.) Either way, our babies started daycare a couple of weeks ago. The babies are enjoying themselves, for the most part.

The first thing I saw today when we got a chance to see the babies, though, was my older little one's first black eye. It wasn't blackened yet, it was red, seriously swollen and had a small cut right in the center of it. I imagine that it will be blackened by the end of the weekend.

Apparently there was some disagreement over a toy and this was the end result.

Keep in mind that he is in a group that is all her age (under 3).

If something like this had happened at home, I would have been able to hold him, comfort him, tend to his boo-boos, kiss it make it all better. Today? I have no idea what was done to comfort him, if anything. I have no idea how his wound was cleaned or treated, if it was at all.

My little one had a boo-boo and I could not make it better.

June would repossess my apron.

We get to see the babies today. We get an hour a week. Supervised. It used to be that we could never find a babysitter that we trusted, so we never went anywhere without them (not complaining, just starting a fact). Now, we're not even allowed to be alone with them. This is apparently "normal" when it comes to CPS involvement.

All my life I've been bucking against normalcy. Now I know why.

The days between visitation drag by like cold molasses. Once today comes around, it's like it's been no time at all. I don't understand it.

The babies are very young. They seem to be ok with all this. I know that's a blessing. I hope that the fact that they seem to be adapting well means that this isn't the horrible experience for them that it is for us. In a way, though, it hurts like hell that they seem to be adapting so well. I would never wish that the would hurt at all, but it breaks my heart to see them leave the visits so easily and without a tear.

Wow, that made me sound like a real bitch, didn't it? I'm not. At least I didn't think I was before all this. Now I don't know. Before all this I was a good mom. Now, I don't know. Before all this, I thought life was going fairly decently. Yes, we have had some serious bumps along the way, but I thought with everything that I was still a good mom. And that is what mattered the most to me. What mattered most to me, I thought, was that our babies were well taken care of. I thought I was a good mom.

Now the babies are gone and I don't think I'm much of anything anymore. I mean, if nothing else, I was a good mom. What am I now?

I'm glad that the babies seem to be adapting well, really. I want all this to be as easy as possible for them, even though it's got to be tough. They're so young that (according to a couple of therapists that we've spoken to) if they do remember any of this, it will be as a little vacation. I have a feeling that someday, when they're much older, I want them to know what happened. I don't want them kept in the dark about this because what if they find out on their own? What if someone in the family mentions it to them someday? Wouldn't it be better if they knew about it from us?

And when it is time for them to come home, what then? They seem to be doing so well right now, how will it be when they come home? The transition from here to there was traumatic. I didn't get a chance to say good-bye to them. I was getting their things together and when I had to run back in their room for something, they were taken out of the house. By the time they got to the van, they were both crying their heads off.

How will the transition back home be? How do we make them comfortable here again? Will they resent us for the time they were gone? For the fact that they were gone? Will they want to go back to the family member they're with now? How do we make things easy for them?

They seem to be so comfortable coming and going with the family member and I don't want them to go through any more hard times. How do I make them comfortable here again? Will it be tough for them? Will it depend on how long they're gone?

I'm sorry. I meant this entry to be more informative than inquisitive. I guess I failed at that, too.

I need to go prepare myself for this afternoon. Not just get dressed and all, but when we see them I try not to cry. I don't want them to think about these times and remember me crying. It's so hard to hold them and not cry. Once they're gone again, though, I can let go.

I don't know what's worse.

Holding it in or letting it go.

My heart hurts.