We get to see the babies today. We get an hour a week. Supervised. It used to be that we could never find a babysitter that we trusted, so we never went anywhere without them (not complaining, just starting a fact). Now, we're not even allowed to be alone with them. This is apparently "normal" when it comes to CPS involvement.

All my life I've been bucking against normalcy. Now I know why.

The days between visitation drag by like cold molasses. Once today comes around, it's like it's been no time at all. I don't understand it.

The babies are very young. They seem to be ok with all this. I know that's a blessing. I hope that the fact that they seem to be adapting well means that this isn't the horrible experience for them that it is for us. In a way, though, it hurts like hell that they seem to be adapting so well. I would never wish that the would hurt at all, but it breaks my heart to see them leave the visits so easily and without a tear.

Wow, that made me sound like a real bitch, didn't it? I'm not. At least I didn't think I was before all this. Now I don't know. Before all this I was a good mom. Now, I don't know. Before all this, I thought life was going fairly decently. Yes, we have had some serious bumps along the way, but I thought with everything that I was still a good mom. And that is what mattered the most to me. What mattered most to me, I thought, was that our babies were well taken care of. I thought I was a good mom.

Now the babies are gone and I don't think I'm much of anything anymore. I mean, if nothing else, I was a good mom. What am I now?

I'm glad that the babies seem to be adapting well, really. I want all this to be as easy as possible for them, even though it's got to be tough. They're so young that (according to a couple of therapists that we've spoken to) if they do remember any of this, it will be as a little vacation. I have a feeling that someday, when they're much older, I want them to know what happened. I don't want them kept in the dark about this because what if they find out on their own? What if someone in the family mentions it to them someday? Wouldn't it be better if they knew about it from us?

And when it is time for them to come home, what then? They seem to be doing so well right now, how will it be when they come home? The transition from here to there was traumatic. I didn't get a chance to say good-bye to them. I was getting their things together and when I had to run back in their room for something, they were taken out of the house. By the time they got to the van, they were both crying their heads off.

How will the transition back home be? How do we make them comfortable here again? Will they resent us for the time they were gone? For the fact that they were gone? Will they want to go back to the family member they're with now? How do we make things easy for them?

They seem to be so comfortable coming and going with the family member and I don't want them to go through any more hard times. How do I make them comfortable here again? Will it be tough for them? Will it depend on how long they're gone?

I'm sorry. I meant this entry to be more informative than inquisitive. I guess I failed at that, too.

I need to go prepare myself for this afternoon. Not just get dressed and all, but when we see them I try not to cry. I don't want them to think about these times and remember me crying. It's so hard to hold them and not cry. Once they're gone again, though, I can let go.

I don't know what's worse.

Holding it in or letting it go.

My heart hurts.